When intentions collide
Can we make peace with what our bodies are telling us?
If you have ever burned your hand on the oven tray, you probably noticed that your arm pulled your fingers away from danger before your conscious mind had any idea your flesh was in peril. It's a very well-known example that demonstrates the magic of our nervous system and its ability to keep us alive and safe regardless of whether our higher-level neocortex has had time to rationally decide that getting burned is a bad idea.
We like to think of ourselves as rational, logical beings. I have many arguments with my clients about how much they despise the parts of them that act irrationally. Our burned hand is an example of our nervous system and our rational mind likely being in agreement over the best course of action. Although peripheral nerve systems bypass the neocortex and activate nerves and muscles instinctually to pull your hand away, if you had time to think about it, you would probably come to the same conclusion. But this is not always the case - and that's where our thinking brain will sometimes get us into trouble.
Our culture values performance, rationality, things we can measure, explain and quantify. Our workplaces, structures and schedules are designed to control our bodies - wake up at the same time each day (check your Fitbit to see how much deep sleep you have had and ruminate over that for the rest of the day); eat a fibermaxxed breakfast; get the same train every day; drink coffee to stay awake; eat sugar to stay awake; spend the day answering emails and forcing yourself to ignore tiredness, boredom, the need to move, to play, to connect; get back on the train; force yourself to work out because it’s good for you; coax yourself to sleep using any means necessary, even though you are wired and exhausted at the same time.
Most of my clients and myself live under the illusion that we should have complete control over our bodies, at least most of the time, because it is what we have been taught from an early age. Our neocortex, our thinking brain is bathed, from birth, in the stories and cultural scripts that let us know what is socially acceptable and what is not. We add a layer of social judgment on top of our natural urges and reactions, in large part because we live in a culture that regards the body as something that can be controlled and bent to our wills. Our parents, institutions and communities put rules on what is acceptable for our bodies to do. It gives us an illusion of control that is difficult to shake. Most of my clients come to therapy because something about their lives feels out of hand and many times, it is their bodies that do not seem to comply anymore:
“My anxiety feels completely out of control”
“I’ve tried to fix this, but nothing works”
“I can’t live with this feeling anymore”
“Why can’t I just make it stop?”
Biology in action
Let's take a quick step back and look at our nervous system and its basic structure and see what the parts are we actually have control over. The central nervous system consists of our brain and spinal cord. We like to think of our brain as the hub and pinnacle of everything, but there is much more to the story. Our peripheral nervous system, all the nerves branching out into your body, comprises the somatic system, which controls your movements and the autonomic nervous system which regulates your body functions. Psychologists tend to talk a lot about the brain, our thinking and feeling organ but we are also starting to pay a lot more attention to the autonomic system especially, because it is where our fight, flight and freeze responses will happen.
If you have spent any time in therapy or on the internet, you likely know what the fight-flight-freeze response is. The sympathetic branch of the autonomic nervous system will rev up your body to run or protect itself when faced with danger, the parasympathetic branch will bring your body back into a state of rest and calm when the threat has passed. We might cycle through these systems multiple times a day. A threatening email, a toddler tantrum, missing the bottom step on the subway - all of those might get our threat system going before our parasympathetic brake will pendulate us back to a state of rest.
According to Polyvagal theory, when danger seems inescapable, sustained or overwhelming, your body will go into “freeze” or dorsovagal shutdown, a state in which you are numb, dissociated and disconnected from the world and the danger you are facing. Your body is not resting, it is still on alert, storing up sympathetic energy, but it is doing what it feels is most protective in that moment.
So, which parts of your body can you actually control? Your somatic nervous system is somewhat in your control - you can move the muscles connected to your skeleton, your arms, legs, fingers. The remainder of your nervous system, you can influence, slightly, sometimes. Breathwork can slow down your heart rate, a bath can induce a state of rest, coffee and sugar will energize you in different ways. It gives us a sense of control, those little moments in which we feel we can bend our body to our will.
Layers of shame
So what happens when our bodies do things we do not want them to do? I have clients who are terrified and deeply ashamed because their bodies go into fight or flight mode whenever their baby cries. Others notice themselves dissociating in social situations and have no idea why or how to stop it. One of my clients had found herself in a long string of abusive relationships. She had no idea why continued to end up with men who treated her abhorrently and the only thing she could come up with was that this was what she deserved. She had not been able to contemplate that her nervous system was in a state of almost constant shutdown because it had been protecting her from her father’s and later her partner’s abuse for decades. This was her normal, her nervous system’s familiar place and anything else, including therapy with me, felt threatening to her very core.
Our bodies, and our autonomic nervous system especially, will do things we do not understand or have conscious control over, but what really hurts us is the layer of thinking and judgment we apply on top of it. Our thinking brain will interpret our actions as “stupid”, “cowardly”, “scary”, “shameful” - this is where our biology and our socialisation collide.
What are women taught about their natural response to stress or trauma? If I freeze when I should fight, what does that say about me? If I get angry when I should be calm, what does that say about me? If I want to scream when I should be kind, what does that say about me? If I want to run when I should comply, what does that say about me?
Whenever I address these questions with clients, it becomes less about answering and more about understanding that our bodies and our socialisation speak very different languages. Our body does not really care what I or you or society think about its efforts to protect you. Our bodies are designed for survival, not happiness, not fulfillment or purpose-driven achievement, only survival.
Once we truly understand that, we can also comprehend that our indoctrinated judgments are often the things that keep us stuck. If I am faced with a wildfire in front of my feet, my body will mobilise all my physical resources to run. If I'm attacked and my body feels capable, it will fight back. If I'm attacked and I'm outpowered and unable to run, my body will shut down, protect me from pain by going numb and make myself a less interesting target. The judgment comes afterwards and it is the reason we as humans can suffer from our traumatising experiences for so long. If we remove the layer of labels, “shoulds” and “if onlys” what we are left with is a body that has needs that we, more often than not, have to ignore for the benefit of functioning in today’s world.
Moving with intent
There is no easy way out of our predicament. As I’m sitting here, I’m choosing to ignore the twinge in my shoulder that is telling me that I need to stretch because I have been typing for too long. I can choose to do so and it will further fuel the idea that my thinking brain is more important than my body’s basic needs. When I collapse in exhaustion after running on adrenaline all day, it will come as an unwelcome surprise (despite everything I know), because change and going against what is familiar and socially reinforced, is really difficult.
Much has been written about the perils of modern living and most of us know our ways of life are deeply unhealthy and far removed from what our bodies and minds truly need. A lot of what I try to help my clients with in therapy in the first instance is awareness - of their bodies, their inner systems and sensations and then the layers of thinking and judgment that we have heaped on top. Just becoming aware and understanding both as different entities can be immensely healing. The next step is harder and involves slow and mindful recalibrations of nervous system processes, behaviours, thinking patterns and social structures. It is a lifelong project trying to balance our precious selves with the demands placed on us but one of the most important lessons to remember is that our bodies are not machines to be controlled. Our bodies are us, just as much as the part of me typing this is and they have evolved to keep us alive and well - a pretty miraculous feat at that.